We are inclined to see things not as they are, but as we are. That is a core part of our human nature. But sometimes our perspective limits us by creating invalid assumptions about how the world is and what we can expect from it.

Our perspective affects everything we see, say and do. Sometimes our perspective supports us, as in the case of a personal view that sees all things as possible.  Assumptions in relationships cause us to believe we know what someone is thinking or feeling. We then act upon that unfounded belief and often create unnecessary problems for ourselves and others. For example, Bob assumed that Cheryl’s “silent treatment” was his punishment for picking up their son 10 minutes late after soccer practice. After several hours of inwardly stewing about what he perceived as her overreaction to a small problem, Bob fought back and snapped at Cheryl for forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning. One big fight and two slammed doors later, Bob found out that Cheryl’s silence was actually due to an unfair reprimand at work that was causing her to do some serious thinking about her job. By not validating his assumption, Bob actually made the situation worse for both of them.

Assumptions at work usually spend our energy where it doesn’t belong. We may develop a fabulous solution that doesn’t fit the real problem because we assumed we knew what the customer wanted. Or we focused on the wrong priority because we thought it was the most important when it really wasn’t. We may decide not to ask for help because we assume it won’t be given. Angela’s big project was way behind schedule. She assumed that the customer would not agree to an extension so she added new resources and pushed everyone hard to meet the deadline. Unfortunately this last ditch effort caused numerous errors in the final product, resulting in lost business for the customer and fines for Angela’s company. At the post-mortem review meeting, Angela discovered that the client would have greatly preferred a late product to a potentially flawed one. By assuming her customer’s position, everyone suffered.

Assumptions in our careers can have a life-long impact. We assume that we aren’t qualified enough. We assume that we can’t work a flexible schedule. We assume that no one else will hire us or that the next job won’t be any better. We assume that our dream job doesn’t really exist. Jackson spent 16 years in a corporate job he hated because he didn’t think his home repair hobby could ever pay the bills. Yet two years after being unexpectedly laid off, Jackson’s “hobby” had become a thriving business with a dozen employees. By assuming what wasn’t possible, Jackson put his happiness on a shelf for a big part of his life.

So how are assumptions limiting your relationships, work and personal wellbeing? What choices have you made that didn’t benefit from full engagement of the facts? Are you often surprised that things don’t turn out like you expected them to? Fortunately assumptions are often easily put to rout by asking a few questions and opening yourself to the answers.

Steps for axing your assumptions:

1. Recognize the areas that you have a tendency to make assumptions in. Is it in your relationships? Your work? Your finances? Does it involve certain people or certain situations? Write down the last five invalid assumptions you have made and see if a pattern evolves. If you don’t see your own assumptions, ask someone you trust to give you an outside perspective.
2. Ask yourself what you might be trying to avoid by making assumptions. Assumptions sometimes allow us to avoid confrontation or unpleasantness (but usually only temporarily). They can protect us from trying scary new things, like a different career or a big physical challenge. They also can keep us from being wrong, at least in the short term! Sometimes they just seem to save us the time and trouble of verifying what we think we’re sure about.
3. Make the conscious choice to assume nothing, especially when it comes to important decisions or personal relationships.
4. ASK QUESTIONS! Create a regular habit of validating your assumptions before acting. Accumulating facts about a situation makes for confident decision-making and quality choices.

Resources

For more information, read this article about assumptions in love and relationships.